Complications

It's been over a year since my ex broke up with me. I've "talked" to plenty of other guys since then. But no matter what, complications get in the way. It's impossible to learn to fall for someone knew, if you and your ex still have feelings for each other. Feelings that are there, but can't be acted upon. It's stupid and complicated, and no body understands our relationship... not even us. This can't be healthy. I've let to many great guys go because of it.
Even my Prom date, who seemed to really be into me... the sweetest guy I'd ever met... yea, even he hasn't been talking to me lately. Needles to say, Prom's going to be quite awkward.
How To Get Over Your Ex?

eighty days of summer

Two more days before my AP Environmental Science exam.
Six more days until Prom.
Seven more days until the SAT.
Fifteen more days before final exams.
Twenty more days of school until I'm officially finished with Junior year.

Final Goodbye's

This past week I've had family flying in and out of my home. They all decided to come at the same time to say their final goodbye's to my mother. Which is fine, completely understandable. But it's also completely overwhelming. I know they mean well, but it's just to much. My sister and I hardly get to spend any time with my mother now, and because of that, my family has decided that we're not good daughters. But it's not even that, we're just trying to give everyone their own time to say their own goodbye's.
No one in my family truly understands what's going through my mind. They think they do... but they don't. No one knows what I'm feeling. And I refuse to let them know.
It's just time. Time for all of us to just go and say our bitter sweet goodbye's, and let my mom finally pass onto another life. It'll hurt. But it's torture to see my mother dying slowly.
Why God is doing this to her, I'll never know.

Antithetical Happiness

I'm so tired of life right now. Everything is so boring and pointless; and to tell you the truth, I'm sick of it all.
I feel no more happiness or joy. It's all ripped out from my very core.
But somehow, every morning, I'm able to put up this "shield"... a sort of facade that I know will happily suffice everyone who "cares" about me. Those people that tell me that they become incredibly sad when they see the gloom in my eyes or see me without a smile on my face.
And those same people tell me that I'm so strong, and that they admire how much trust I put in God. But I don't feel very strong at all. I feel weak... and lifeless. I don't understand how people can praise me for being so strong. Especially considering the fact that there are thousands maybe even millions, of people out there who have things so far worse than me. But just because I'm "Megan, the girl whose mom is dying", everyone acts as if they should throw me this little pity party! I don't want people's pity and fake sympathy. If they think my life is f'ed up... then they should go take a look at the hundreds of people just in my state alone. Not even all of the U.S.A. Just North Carolina. Or even broader than that! How about orphans in Ethiopia, whose parents were killed by neighboring tribes, because they were in the way; or they went to the missionaries instead of the witch-doctor.
People like that need sympathy and care... not me.

Though, how much longer can I be this fake happy person? I can feel my shield going down... I can feel myself becoming weaker and weaker by the second. It's getting so bad now. Everything I feel is just... numb...

I truly envy those people who keep a smile on, even when they have ever right in the world to cry. How they do that, is beyond me.


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Funny thing -- today someone told me that I look so sad around them all the time and how they can barely even get a smile out of me. But when I'm around other people, I'm laughing and smiling and having fun!
Well to the person that said this:
I appreciate the concern...
But it's not about you, it's about me. And just because I'm happy around other people, doesn't mean you can't make me smile.
But right now, being around you hurts me too much. You're always on my mind, even if I'm with someone else. You're number 1. And it sucks! Cause your words confuse me, and I'm conflicted between what you want and what I want. But as far as I'm concerned... it's over. I can't help you anymore than I can help myself.
Just realize, that one day... everything will be OK. But for now, you're just going to have to learn to stop being so selfish in your thinking, and consider the person you're effecting.
But for now, I miss us, and I miss being with you...
Only time will tell,
with love,
Meghyn

I Hope You'll Be Missing Me (Like I Will Miss You)

You helped them to kill me
that's all that I'm willing to say
You no longer thrill me
all you do now is stand in my way
And all they say, makes me feel just as safe
I have lost everything that I own
All they say makes me awfully blue and alone

I wrote us a song,
you weren't singing along
But I hope you'll be missing me too
I held on to long, and did everything wrong
But I hope you'll be missing me, like I will miss you

I wont say I've moved on
I wont say I'm close to okey
or that you no longer thrill me,
or no longer stand in my way

I'm not to proud to admit to you now
that I'm still nothing more than a wreck
and I do intend, not to pretend 'til the end

I wrote us a song,
you weren't singing along
But I hope you'll be missing me too,
I held on to long and did everything wrong
But I hope you'll be missing me, like I will miss you

I hope you'll be missing me like I will miss you

One Day At A Time

"And I die
One day at a time
'Cause I just can't seem to get you off my mind
No matter how I try
try to kill the time
well I think that I'm just going crazy
one day at a time"

Turned 16, it wasn't so sweet

My 16th birthday was yesterday. Supposed to be the best birthday for teenagers. But for me... it was just... depressing.

This year my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer... not good.
A few months ago we found out that we didn't have any income towards the household. Other than my moms disability checks... not good.
A few weeks ago my grades began falling into barely passing... not good.
A week ago I fell in soccer and tore up my leg on the same place were I had MRSA last yearr... not good.
Now, as I birthday present... my new status is "single"... sucks.

I guess I should suck it up. In the end, all things will turn out right. I mean look at it this way, things can't get any worse.