Antithetical Happiness

I'm so tired of life right now. Everything is so boring and pointless; and to tell you the truth, I'm sick of it all.
I feel no more happiness or joy. It's all ripped out from my very core.
But somehow, every morning, I'm able to put up this "shield"... a sort of facade that I know will happily suffice everyone who "cares" about me. Those people that tell me that they become incredibly sad when they see the gloom in my eyes or see me without a smile on my face.
And those same people tell me that I'm so strong, and that they admire how much trust I put in God. But I don't feel very strong at all. I feel weak... and lifeless. I don't understand how people can praise me for being so strong. Especially considering the fact that there are thousands maybe even millions, of people out there who have things so far worse than me. But just because I'm "Megan, the girl whose mom is dying", everyone acts as if they should throw me this little pity party! I don't want people's pity and fake sympathy. If they think my life is f'ed up... then they should go take a look at the hundreds of people just in my state alone. Not even all of the U.S.A. Just North Carolina. Or even broader than that! How about orphans in Ethiopia, whose parents were killed by neighboring tribes, because they were in the way; or they went to the missionaries instead of the witch-doctor.
People like that need sympathy and care... not me.

Though, how much longer can I be this fake happy person? I can feel my shield going down... I can feel myself becoming weaker and weaker by the second. It's getting so bad now. Everything I feel is just... numb...

I truly envy those people who keep a smile on, even when they have ever right in the world to cry. How they do that, is beyond me.


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Funny thing -- today someone told me that I look so sad around them all the time and how they can barely even get a smile out of me. But when I'm around other people, I'm laughing and smiling and having fun!
Well to the person that said this:
I appreciate the concern...
But it's not about you, it's about me. And just because I'm happy around other people, doesn't mean you can't make me smile.
But right now, being around you hurts me too much. You're always on my mind, even if I'm with someone else. You're number 1. And it sucks! Cause your words confuse me, and I'm conflicted between what you want and what I want. But as far as I'm concerned... it's over. I can't help you anymore than I can help myself.
Just realize, that one day... everything will be OK. But for now, you're just going to have to learn to stop being so selfish in your thinking, and consider the person you're effecting.
But for now, I miss us, and I miss being with you...
Only time will tell,
with love,
Meghyn